Journey to Somewhere
I wrote this nearly two years ago when I came across this list, reposted by the Huffington Post, that gives examples of famous people who achieved success or reached their dreams later in life. The fact that I let it sit for so long says something about the pace with which I am moving through life’s journey.
The list is inspiring, but it also made me think back to the film, Race to Nowhere, and the competitive world in which we are raising our children. We focus so much on the first eighteen years of life that young adults are becoming confused and anxious rather than driven and ambitious. Grit is not the only thing they are missing. Experience, perspective and self-awareness are things that we grow into, not things we can collect for a resume or college application before age eighteen.
My kids are still young, but when I look around at our child-rearing culture, it reminds me of 1980s gymnasts, driven to peak at an unhealthy age. The Olympic organizers realized that these gymnasts, heroes from my youth like Nadja Comenicj and Mary Lou Retton, were being pushed at such a young age that it was thwarting their physical development. They raised the minimum age for competition and things improved a bit in this very isolated example. Unfortunately, our larger society has gone in the other direction. Now, as we raise our children in an increasingly competitive environment, we are pressuring them to peak, not only athletically but also emotionally and academically, before they could possibly reach their full potential. And it is backfiring.
We all know our educational system and parenting culture are far from perfect. Thanks to the Internet, I am all too aware of how well adjusted my children would be if I were raising them in Finland or another fantastically balanced Scandinavian country. But we don’t live in Finland. Our culture of competition will not be easy to fix, but we can shift our thinking to help our children move along a healthier path.
This misguided growth curve probably began decades ago. It is not entirely our fault or the fault of social media, but it has intensified. Even when I was in high school, the college application process was stressful. This process deserves a certain level of intensity and effort because for many of us, it is one of the first big decisions we face. Over the years, however, college acceptance has become an arbitrary finish line for the measured success of high school. Children go off to college feeling exhilarated from having crossed this threshold but unprepared for what comes next. In the application process, school reputations and rankings become badges of self-worth. Names of institutions are met with varying levels of respect. Prior to even setting foot on a college campus as a student, many teenagers already feel as though they have succeeded or failed in one of the biggest challenges in life.
I remember my first week in college. Classes had barely started, and an acquaintance in my freshman dorm was lamenting the fact that she felt lost and overwhelmed. As we offered support and asked what was wrong, she told us she didn’t feel special. In high school, she was captain of the field hockey team and Student Body President. She said we didn’t understand, but of course we understood, because we were all captain or president of something or other. Some of us simply accepted that this was how it was. College allowed for a reshuffling; people didn’t know us, and we couldn’t hand out our transcripts or copies of a local small-town paper to show how great we were. But there is opportunity in this uncertainty. College students can feel like little fish in a big pond, but the pond itself offers new experiences, relationships and learning opportunities. College, and life beyond college, are not places to showcase our accomplishments from high school; they are canvases on which to create something new.
When I think about the pressure we put on children before college, I often think of my grandfather, Albert Humlhanz, a World War II veteran who was injured in Anzio, Italy and attended a local business school when he returned home from the war. He was a child of immigrant parents and saw his education, all stages of it, as a privilege. At twenty years old, he had seen men killed. He understood how valuable life is and how easily it can be shattered. I feel so grateful to him for demonstrating that a person should be valued for his character and intellect rather than his degrees and resume. He took nothing for granted and faced challenges head-on. I remember him telling me that reading was always challenging and he reads slowly, yet I knew him as an avid reader with a deep understanding of history. He was a lifelong learner, and it had nothing to do with where he went to college. I don’t even know the name of his school.
Considering my close friends, many of whom I knew in college or even earlier, I can’t find a single one who knew what he or she wanted to do in life at eighteen. Many of us are still on a winding path. There are some very impressive people in our group of friends, people who inspire me and entertain me and leave me wondering what they will attempt or accomplish next. We are all around forty, and life continues to open doors and present new possibilities. This is what our children should see as they grow up. Rather than looking at our children through a magnifying glass, we should give them a variety of lenses to look out at the world. As parents, we can show them a range of what success looks like, providing examples of growth and fulfillment rather than focusing on financial success.
When we look at our children, it is hard not to push their natural talents and strengths if we think they could be a prodigy or a star athlete. Back to that list in the beginning, slow and steady can win the race, or even land us on a different path entirely. When children are pushed, they may become extremely good at something and may even get a scholarship, but without intrinsic motivation, they may also burn out or crumble under the pressure. It is a fine balance, but given the inherent challenges in life, allowing children to explore, take risks and find joy is invaluable.
I was a decent tennis and softball player as a kid, but what I loved was gymnastics. I was a lanky 5’8” by twelve years old, and was never going to go far in my gymnastics career, but I was willing to devote many hours a week to practicing, even through high school. I played tennis for fun every summer and I gave up softball after eighth grade. Gymnastics certainly did not get me into college, yet I carry that experience, and the freedom my parents gave me to choose, with me. Recently, I have picked up tennis again. I’m sure for a few brave people gymnastics is a lifelong sport, but for me tennis seems like the safer choice.
It would be a strange world if the most impressive people in society were forty year olds, and even more bizarre if they were only twenty. Still, we see all this energy and potential in our children and have a hard time resisting the urge to push them before they are ready. Rather than pressure our children to be peak at eighteen or twenty, we should guide them on a lifelong journey, helping them grow when they hit obstacles. Chances are their greatest gifts have yet to be revealed.